To Suffer In Silence
by David Pittman
For 30 years I kept a secret that almost killed me. That same secret was kept by many other little boys. We were all victimized by the same man, yet none of us knew it was happening to the other. Those secrets caused pain, shame, guilt. And it cost one of us his life.
When it comes to the topic of sexual abuse, men and boys are at best an afterthought. Even though the number of boys sexually abused is statistically very close to the number of girls who are victimized, you would think it never happens. Why is that? Why is the sexual abuse of men and boys mostly left out of the conversation? And for the church, addressing this issue has been virtually impossible!
The lack of basic awareness, understanding, and open conversation around the specific challenges that sexually abused boys and men face can lead to catastrophic consequences. So, what do I mean by that?
As a boy growing up in a conservative, fundamentalist church, the only thing we were taught about sex was sin and shame. We were taught even less about sexual abuse…absolutely nothing. Until I was an adult, I’d never even heard the words, “Childhood”, “Sexual”, and “Abuse” used together.
I was raised in the Southern Baptist church and from the time I was 12 until around 15 I was molested and raped by our youth minister. And I wasn’t the only one. There were countless boys at several churches. He’s done it for decades and he still walks free.
One of the questions I get asked most often is: Why didn’t you say something, or why didn’t you say something sooner? This implies that if they were in my position, that they would have done something differently. As Racheal Denhollander says in her book, What Is a Girl Worth,
“It feels safer to believe that abuse happens only to people who “let it”. But this is in fact blaming the victim, because it implies that if victims had just responded differently, they could have stopped the abuse.”
This quote has particular application to male survivors. As boys, most are taught from the day we’re born to be strong, to be the defenders, to be “a man”, by not revealing our feelings when we are injured. When we’re victimized, we have no idea how to cope with the pain and confusion that is created by sexual abuse.. Many boys are never taught by our parents the difference between masculinity and just being a good man.
Many male victims were also taught that during threatening situations most people will respond in one of two ways -- fight or flight. In reality, there are three responses, fight, flight or FREEZE. And freezing is what many boys, including myself, do or did when we were threatened.
Freezing when faced with a sexual assault is no less a legitimate response. But many boys and men today feel that because they failed to act, by fighting or fleeing, they must have allowed the abuse to happen. This can lead to a secret shame of believing that the abuse was their fault.
But maybe the most important point I’m building to is this…When a boy is molested and/or raped, there is a biological/physiological response that is beyond his control. The male body was created and designed to respond to an external stimulus to the penis.
As grown-ups we know this and we know the reasons why, but little children, without healthy education about the body, get confused and will feel ashamed about how their body reacted during a sexual assault. In addition little boys are often held responsible when their body reacts as it was intended, even though the child is being held against their will!
“You must have enjoyed it right?”
“I mean after all, it felt good didn’t it?”
“You had an erection; how can you call that being raped?”
These are the things we hear as boys and men that are used to keep us silent. These are the kinds of statements and beliefs that allow the predators to walk free and violate more children.
When a woman molests/rapes a boy, or when a man molest/rapes a boy…guess what will happen? The little boy will, in almost every occasion, get an erection. So let me say this as clearly and loudly as I can, “An erection DOES NOT EQUAL CONSENT.”
And this leads us into something that is key to understanding why most boys and men live in silence.
A couple years ago I met a survivor named Brian Cardoza and he taught me something about my own abuse. He said this,
“I think there are very few things that are unique to male survivors. Trauma is human-centric, not gender specific. I have never met a woman who didn’t experience the first 10-12 things that I have: guilt, denial, anger, etc. What I do think is inherently unique, or maybe the biggest difference between male and female victims of sexual abuse is it causes a man to question himself about a fundamental issue.
A person’s sexuality is core to who they are, and when a boy is sexually abused by a man, it almost always causes him to ask the question, ‘Does that mean I’m gay?’”
And this questioning of sexuality causes a boatload of internal struggles.
They may have never had any thoughts about men prior to the abuse. They may have never had any real concept about homosexuality. Whether they acknowledge it or not, the inner conflict and/or confusion occurs.
Brian also said this.
“Especially with certain societal norms, if the abuse was perpetrated by man, it can make a guy ask himself, ‘Can you still call yourself a man?’ Boys and men question their sexual identity in ways that girls and women usually don’t. It causes us to question the very nature of who we are.
And what about the confusion to young men who identify as gay? Imagine their confusion. Was I born this way or made this way?
And these confusions, questions, and struggles around their identity can cost boys and men their lives. Another victim that had the same perpetrator as myself, talked with me a few months before he died, and he said this.
“His actions made me question everything. I didn’t know who or what I was. So, I drank or took whatever drugs I could. I slept with whoever was around. And that is why I’m going to die soon.”
He passed away, not long after we talked, from complications of HIV. I knew this man. I loved this guy. We grew up together. We played little league sports together. He was one of the sweetest kids with the most tender of hearts. But the predator, disguised as our youth minister, took all that away from him. Eventually costing him his life.
This is the damage caused by sexual predators.
Because no one wants to talk about this. If we say we are advocates, then we need to be advocates for ALL who’ve been violated.
So what can we do to help little boys and adult male survivors? On this there isn’t much variation between boys and girls who’ve been victimized.
Love them unconditionally and without judgment, and help them experience this love.
Help them know their feelings (confusion, anger, depression, fear, numbness, anxiety) are normal.
Help them understand it was not their fault. That they are not to blame. That their physical reaction to whomever harmed them, doesn’t mean that they allowed the abuse or wanted it to happen.
Invite and encourage healthy, open, and shame-free conversations about sexuality, masculinity, and gender.
And beyond everything, let them know they are not alone.
Dave Pittman is the Director of Together We Heal and part of the Safeguarding Initiative Team at GRACE. He teaches churches, schools, and families how to talk with their kids about sexual abuse, how to better identify predatory behavior, and how to properly respond to those who’ve been victimized.